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Editor’s note: This story includes descriptions of abuse.

Shari Alyse is a writer and speaker residing in Los Angeles. Originally from Miami, Alyse went to school at Syracuse University and received her degree in theater. She is now a published author and speaker for many outlets, including a previous TED Talk. Alyse will be speaking on Saturday about the power of being wrong.

This interview has been edited for brevity and clarity.

The Daily Orange:

How did you end up in Syracuse from Miami?

Shari Alyse:

While I was pursuing acting, I knew that I wanted to go to New York. My family’s from New York, so I spent all my summers there. I knew I wanted to be in New York, and I was going to go to NYU, but then I was like, ‘You know what, I want a campus, I want the college experience.’ I wanted to throw a Frisbee on a quad — which I never did. But it was my idea of college. So I auditioned for the theater department, the drama department.

The D.O.:

What are you giving your TED Talk on?

S.A.:

My TED Talk is on the power of perspective and being wrong. So really, what would it look like, if we all chose not to believe everything that we think? So really just this idea of not being so attached to our beliefs, because we usually inherit them from other people. And we rarely question them. And so, what would the world look like if we chose to see the world through a different lens?

The D.O.:

What is an example of that? How would the world change?

S.A.:

Well, so I’m coming from a more micro-version, like with ourselves personally, because obviously, we all held on to our beliefs during the pandemic. All of the social injustice, racial injustice and all of us holding so tightly onto our own beliefs, it caused so much divide. So, what about if we met each other in the middle? What if we decided not to be wrong? Could there be peace, but on a personal level?

For me, I experienced childhood trauma. And so for many years, I had the belief that I wasn’t worthy and that I did something wrong. It was the choice to not believe those things. So what happens when we choose not to believe our limiting beliefs? We open up the possibilities for anything.

When I looked (at my trauma) through a different perspective instead of (it) being something that trapped me and imprisoned me, I was no longer contained by it — I contained it. And my trauma also became my greatest teacher.

My imperfections, like — I have hair loss, so I have to wear wigs. I don’t have to, choose to. But for me, those parts of me became the most beautiful parts of me.

This was all just from shifting my perspective on life. I mean, there’s so many. So what would happen if we all chose to see our lives in a different way? I used to believe the world was against me. And when I shifted my lens on that, suddenly, everything was a gift and an opportunity to learn more about myself to dig in deeper.

The D.O.:

Earlier you said you let your trauma become your teacher, what were some things that you learned from that?

S.A.:

That number one, I was stronger than I believed that I was. I was on a witness stand at 7 years old, speaking out against the man who had abused me, and I was told from that early age that I was courageous and I was a hero because he had done this to other girls. And so they said that I saved other girls. But at that young age, I didn’t believe that I was that, and the more that I started looking further within and healing from my trauma that allowed me to see that I was stronger.

It wasn’t just a word anymore. It wasn’t something that people told me, I embodied it. My trauma also really helped me to learn gratitude. And to realize that, no matter how challenging the circumstances are that show up at our doorstep, we have a choice to look at them from a more empowering perspective.

So really, my trauma helped me to shift perspective, I don’t know if I ever would have or if I would have always been a victim in some way. So I knew that I didn’t want to show up for life as a victim. And so I had to take the driver’s seat in my life.

The D.O.:

Why do you feel this need to share this story? What do you think will come from this?

S.A.:

There is an epidemic, a pandemic, of really not enoughness. In our world, I believe there’s anxiety, there’s depression, there’s so much, there’s social media, which in itself is beautiful for the fact that we all get to connect with each other. But it also makes us feel so disconnected, and there’s so much comparison going on in the world. And I believe that if we started questioning the thoughts that we have instead of just accepting them, that there would be a lot more self-acceptance, there would be a lot more healing, there would be a lot more self-belief, self-trust and self-compassion. And I feel that would shift all of us ultimately into more joy in our lives.

The D.O.:

How were you able to get this opportunity to speak about this?

S.A.:

Well, I did a TEDx talk last year, a previous one. But I always knew that I wanted Syracuse to be where I wanted to go back to, my alma mater. I haven’t been back since I graduated in 1996, so this will be a full circle moment for me.

When I was studying there, I was very disconnected. As someone who experienced trauma at 7, I was very disconnected from myself, but I didn’t even realize that I was living in trauma. But there was a lot of low self-esteem and low self-worth. And being in a theater department where you have to show up on stage, I dove into the character, so I didn’t have to be me. For me now to be able to return back to campus, fully owning who I am, really standing in my truth is something that I knew that I wanted to do. So when the opportunity came for speakers, I applied and they said yes.

April 9 :x::thought_balloon:

A photo posted by tedxsyracuseuniversity

The D.O.:

How was your first TED Talk? What led up to that one?

S.A.:

I am a professional speaker and author. And I always knew TEDx was on the bucket list. And so I went to Syracuse first to the site, but they had already chosen their 2021 speakers. So for me, I was like, “Well, where do you want to travel to?”

I knew I wanted to see Colorado. And so there was one in Colorado, and the theme was movements. And I knew that this world needed more joy. And so I talked about how self-connection leads to more joy. Stop chasing happiness and running from ourselves and actually stop and pause, you know, turn off the Netflix series binging and really just sit with our feelings. That’s where we find our joy.

The D.O.:

How would you kind of tell people to (find that joy)?

S.A.:

Well, it’s simpler than we make it out to be. Not saying that it’s easy, but the steps are easy. I always say it’s called growth for a reason. We’re challenged. When we start to feel those feelings rising, whatever they are, the uncomfortable ones, we usually run from them and we turn on the TV or we scroll, we do whatever.

My thing is just to sit with them for five seconds. Start with five seconds. And instead of running to the food or the drink or whatever it is that people choose as their numbing, just sit with your feelings and ask yourself, “what’s going on? How are you feeling?” and listen for an answer.

Another thing is, you know, I always take morning walks, so I’d say take a walk without your phone. Take a walk and just be with yourself. Connecting with yourself is really just about numbing and closing everything else off. And literally, it’s not that you don’t have to meditate, that’s a way of doing it. But it’s just about being fully present with yourself and really extending compassion with yourself. One of the reasons why we all run from ourselves is because we have not created a safe space within ourselves. And so when we can be that soft landing pad for ourselves, like to treat (ourselves how we treat others), then we’ll feel safer to be able to sit with ourselves.

The D.O.:

Could you speak more about the safe space, creating safe space within yourself? How do you do that?

S.A.:

So it starts with positive self-talk. Just beginning to acknowledge a notice when you’re putting yourself down. So it’s like, “What’s wrong with you? You’re such an idiot,” or “Why do you always do this?” It’s actually catching that and reframing the way that you speak to yourself.

For me, personally, I had to start acknowledging that I was doing the best that I could. And that was a big deal to start having that conversation with myself to say, “Hey, you’re trying your best, and you’re not alone. Everybody is challenged; every part of compassion is a shared suffering.” And I know suffering is a tough word. But that’s really what compassion is, is understanding and being able to sit in that space with someone else. So how can you sit in that space with yourself? How can you offer yourself compassion? Let’s start with positive self talk.

Another thing is keeping promises to yourself. And they could be small promises, because what happens is that every time that we promise ourselves that we’re going to do something, we make some big plan or goal and we don’t follow through, we end up feeling like we betrayed ourselves, that we can’t trust ourselves. So what would it look like to create small little promises. Like “Today, I’m going to wake up five minutes earlier,” or “After class, I’m going to commit to 15 minutes of my work.” And when you do those small things, what happens is that, just like in a relationship with anyone, you start to build trust with yourself. The more trust that you build within, the more you feel safer to be with yourself too. You’re not going to share your deepest, darkest issues with someone you do not trust. So why would your own natural feelings arise if you don’t trust yourself?

The D.O.:

How have you prepared for the TED talk? How have you started to look forward to this?

S.A.:

Oh, well, I’m an overachiever and that is a trauma response. And I bring that up because it’s important to know that no matter how enlightened or awakened, or whatever people say, we’re all always on the journey.

So, for me, I started practicing months ago, and I have written several drafts, but in comparison, this is important to show my own growth for myself. My first TEDx talk, I wrote about 15 drafts. This one, I’ve done three, because what I did was release and go, “Your message is here.” And so it was about releasing, knowing that what I’ve written is enough. And then it’s really just working on it every day. Working on it to me is just going over it again and again and allowing myself to embody the message. So the day of TEDx, it comes out as it’s supposed to, not as it’s rehearsed.

The D.O.:

What is your process for writing?

S.A.:

I’m always a writer. And that’s always the most challenging part. I’m a speaker and a writer. But my thoughts always come when I’m taking my morning hikes. I actually voice text them into my iPhone. I have a bunch of different thoughts. And I just (open) the Notes (app) and I record into them all my random thoughts, and it’s already written out for me. And then I have all of these pieces and print them all out. Then I start to put (what is really inspiring me) together into a story.

But when I start, I always know my beginning, and I always know my ending. And my theater background helps to (tell) the full story. I’m taking people on an emotional level because this isn’t about TEDx; it’s not about performance. I’m an inspirational speaker. And it’s not even about an inspirational talk. It’s about sharing an idea that’s worth spreading that people have not thought about. But you need to storytell. (Since) I already know what the heart of my message is, my theater background helps me to be able to take people on the journey with me through storytelling.

The D.O.:

Is there anything about coming back to Syracuse that you’re looking forward to?

S.A.:

I think just to go back to what I said, revisiting a part of my life that was so formidable, but seeing it from a perspective of someone who now fully loves themselves and accepts themselves.

Published on April 7, 2022 at 2:47 am