Humans are like bears. We have hair, eat copious amounts of honey and when it’s wintertime, we are ready to settle down.

What makes the season a lot easier for many in this frigid climate is a winter relationship. Rather than going out, many of us college kids are just looking to snuggle up and watch a little Netflix. And when you think about it, isn’t that what relationships are all about?

Call it a list of demands, call it my relationship resume, call it whatever you want — here is what I’m looking for in a winter fling. For your convenience, I broke it down into a list of separate components. If you fit the criteria of each of these components, you may be the lucky girl who gets to clip my toenails while I talk about my daddy issues.

Social: For starters, she has to be willing to go out. Can’t have a girl who wants to stay in all the time — that’s my thing. But going out doesn’t just mean a Friday night at Pastabilities. I mean balls to the wall. I mean trips to the Grand Canyon at the drop of a hat. I don’t care if you have a paper due and it’s Monday at 5 a.m., I want to live in a different time zone for 72 hours.

Flexibility is key. Sometimes I’m going to want to wear pajamas for two weeks and meditate in my Abraham Lincoln’s cabin-themed pillow fort. She has to be able to concede defeat on an occasion or two and abide by the “no girls allowed” policy. For the Union’s sake.

Food: Food is important to me. I don’t know if you read the last column, but I think about it a lot. I’m Italian, and if you know anything about us, we are terrible plumbers. Oh, and we like food. A lot.

Which makes cooking important. Sort of. Don’t get me wrong, I love a nice home-cooked meal. And by home-cooked, I mean fast food. There’s a reason I have an industrial fryer in my kitchen. At the drop of a hat, my muse should know the recipe to any item from Burger King, McDonald’s or Wendy’s.

And don’t get me started on picky eaters. If this is you, stop reading (please don’t stop, I love you). But I never know what I’m in the mood for. So when it’s date night, I usually bring out my Wheel of Restaurants.

This is a rotating wheel of restaurants that I spin every time I’m in the mood. Now here’s where you come in. You’ll be tied to the wheel, of course, and as it spins, I launch steak knives at it, like Daniel Day Lewis in “Gangs of New York.” These restaurants range from Day Hall dumpster to Small Plates Detroit, so be prepared for anything.

Personality/Looks: This one’s easy. You don’t have to look like a model to get me — I’m not some shallow monster. But I will say this: if you have never been in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show or have more than 48 freckles, you may not show up on my radar. I’m just getting this out there now so no one thinks I’m picky. It’s called having a type, people.

So there you have it. Fulfill all of these needs and you could be the Bonnie to my Clyde. The Eva Mendes to my Hitch. The Sally to my Harry — have I made enough references yet? I don’t want to say this plan is foolproof, but it can’t fail. And if you need any more convincing, I know how to speak broken Spanish.

Now it’s time to just to play Xbox, not care about my appearance and let the words speak for themselves.

Danny Cuneo is a junior television, radio and film major. His favorite romantic comedy is Blackhawk Down. His column runs every Thursday in Pulp. He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu.

Published on January 22, 2015 at 12:01 am